Chiaroscuro

When I stopped painting I didn't even know it.
Because I had no idea that my own work had ended.

I was too busy being overwhelmingly sad that my mother had cancer...
and that my parents were divorcing...
and
also

just plain defeated that I was spending my days in an office...
typing and faxing...
alone...
and bored out of my mind...
while trying to understand why my boss maintained that mustache...
and then...
later,
how my newly appointed and anointed boss could be such a professional drug addict and still have a job...
and also attempt to fire me...
before I quit.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Saturday, Technically Sunday (sorry Friday)

Dear Unreasonable Expectations,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Love,
The Aftermath Kitchen

P.S. I am exhausted from waiting up all night... every night... to meet you.

P.P.S. You know what, I don't care if I ever meet you. You have proven yourself horrible company. And you never... ever!.. bring doughnuts. Lame.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Thursday

Dear Snail,

While on my way to fetch beverages this morning I noticed you and I thought to myself, "Now, that is one sharp snail... heading straight towards those geraniums for a lovely morning munch."

On my way back home, with coffee and bagels in hand, there you were again...

Only, for some reason... for some unknowable reason... you were moving (?) directly into the path of coffee seekers and coffee wranglers and job-have-to-get-to'ers... straight ahead towards the Wide... Open... Sidewalk.

Oh dear. How did that happen? And... Yikes!

(sigh)

I considered you a second time... just long enough to come to the following conclusion:

Dang. Even wee snails are thrill seekers.

Love,
The Aftermath Kitchen

P.S. Rock on and roll along small shell and slime ball... I hope that you survived this morning in order to tempt fate yet another day.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Hump Day

Dear Undercover Beautiful People,

I feel you.

Love,
The Aftermath Kitchen

P.S. Do not give in. Just because you are undercover does not mean that you deserve to be ignored. Lip gloss doesn't hurt and a neither will a shower.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Tuesday

Dear Tuesday,

I so forgot how much fun my friend Sketchbook is... So fun! We have totally been hanging out... In fact, he's sitting right next to me as I type this...

You're not mad are you? Oh, okay. Cool. So, like, I'll see you next week?

Love,
The Aftermath Kitchen

P.S. Would you please tell Saturday that I want my favorite sweater back, like, before Saturday? Thanks... love u.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Monday

Dear Ambition,

You cunning little bitch... I should have known that you would surface here. Especially now.

I'll admit, your timing has always been keen.

Well, I'm glad you made it. I have missed you. And frankly, my dear darling, I thought that we had given up on one another.

What a pleasant surprise.

Love,
The Aftermath Kitchen

P.S. You have never looked better.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Sunday

Dear (Don't Call Me Marky) Mark Wahlberg,

Congratulations on the Best Supporting Actor Oscar (oh my gawd! you must be so excited!) nomination for your portrayal of "Dignam" in the Martin Scorsese directed remake of the popular Hong Kong thriller Infernal Affairs ... screenplay by William Monahan... based on the original script by Felix Chong and Siu Fai Mak... produced by Brad Pitt (and some other people)

I hope you win... because then your pact with The Devil will have finally paid off... and maybe people will actually forget about the following (instead of just telling you that they have):





































P.S. Personally, I think these are fantastic and I would not be embarrassed at all... unless, of course, your six pack is no longer so well defined... in which case, you should be ashamed of yourself.

A Week of Splendid Missives: Saturday

Dear People-who-have-seen-me-on-a-regular-basis-
over-the-past-three-years-and-still-regard-me-
as-though-I-am-the-new-serial-killer-on-the-block-
refusing-to-make-eye-contact-or-even-return-a-smile,

Um, I've checked it out in the mirror and my face is not the sideshow spectacular that your refusal to acknowledge it warrants. I will give you the fact that my hair can and will, on most occasions, tend towards the unruly... but this lack of hair product, trust me, is no threat to you... unless you are a hairstylist... in which case, it does not matter because you are dead to me. (Please refer to existing visual evidence from 1988)

So, suuuuuck it.

My face hurts from trying. And your hair is not even worth this mention.

Love,
The Aftermath Kitchen

P.S. On second thought, I will continue to smile and say hello to you... wholeheartedly banking on my fantasy that this will drive you speedily and directly to complete remorse... leaving you no other option but to admit to me that you have decided to relocate to Alaska... where you will not have to smile OR greet people because it is either too freaking cold or too freaking dark and... “I'm so very sorry that I was ranking General Douche to you... here...please take them... the keys and ownership to my three bedroom flat with hardwoods and awesome backyard... it's all yours... oh, and, uh... by the way, your hair-style is super cute.”

Dear Husbuds,

The reason there is no recent listing is because "A Week of Lists" only lasts for a week... maybe a week and a day if I'm a laze-about.

But, I will compose a shortie for you...

Un-Week of Lists: Random Party Friday
Surprises that would rule:

1. First-class, round-trip tickets to places that we want to visit arrive in the mail... anonymously... with love from our Benefactor... snugs.

2. HUGE bag of money (that we forgot about) is in the closet.

3. The bathroom is sparkling clean... magically...poof!

4. The vacuum is not that terrifying after all.

5. Summer in San Francisco... and a backyard to boot.

A Week of Lists: Sunday

Things I cannot forget:

1. Arriving at yet another one of your “LA Phase” apartments, listening to you explain that your boyfriend had painted all of the furniture himself and then following you into the bedroom… ashtray, smoldering cigarette and black and white 12-inch screen television set on and all in close proximity to the edge of your bed… realizing first that you had been watching static on the TV and then that you were still doing heroin.

2. Listening to you tell me that he was such the jealous type that he had once stolen his ex-girlfriend’s father’s Ferrari and hid it in his garage to “get back” at her… and then, later that evening, walking the three blocks over to “his” house… wondering how he had been able to steal her father’s car and deciding that it would probably be a bad scene if I asked him about it.

3. Suggesting that we get married in Reno while driving to Lake Tahoe… listening to you chuckle and answer, "No." ...calmly, lacking any hurt feelings or anger, telling you that I would never ask you again and that you had missed your chance… Sitting in your car while you told me that you would always regret saying no when I suggested that we marry… feeling heartsick because I had grown so relieved that you had.

4. Having a panic attack while water skiing… and wishing I was having a panic attack because I was terrified to water ski instead of being terrified that I was going crazy because I was having a panic attack while water skiing.

5. The way your skin felt dry and cool like paper... thinking that you must be terribly dehydrated... instead of concentrating on the fact that you were telling me how your mother had been institutionalized and your father was a drunk... or was it the other way around?

6. Driving your beat up Saab home from Smalls in the pounding rain... driver's side window completely down... hair, face, neck and left arm sopping wet... positioned with my head entirely outside the car in order to see the road ahead because your windshield wipers were broken... which you had neglected to tell me before passing the fuck out in the backseat with Dave.

7. Cringing each time you kicked a beer bottle over causing it to roll loudly toward and then clatter to a stop at the front of the theater... but being more conscious of the fact that we were such small-time loadies because we purchased bottles instead of cans in the first place.

8. Sitting in your car watching the sun set while we listened to the Beastie Boys/Check Your Head and some random Frank Zappa mix tape... wondering, at the same time, if the cops would stop us when you drove me back to Long Beach for being out past the post riot curfew.

9. You telling me that you were not at all mad that I had crashed your car into some pizza delivery girl's car because, after all, I had been doing you a favor in the first place... driving you to and dropping you off at the airport... So, you know, don't even worry about it... but, um, what happened to the stereo?

10. The obvious desire to bitch slap and toss you overboard flash across a grown woman’s face after you told her that she “looked much better without all that crap on her face” …when what you had actually meant to say was, “You look beautiful… even without make-up… you wrinkled old hag.”

A Week of Lists: Dear Saturday...

Because you have failed, on occasion, to live up to your potential as "Weekend Day One-Fuck Yeah!" I really must consider whether or not you deserve a list at all... I'll get back to you on Sunday... when all Saturday tasks are fully realized.

Please do not hold your breath... I might sleep in.

A Week of Lists: Party Friday

Admissions to Anonymous (plural):

1. I was always impressed that you could/would let people take care of you. I was also impressed that you could design and execute such monumental failures, barely survive them and then ride off into the sunset with one of those “caretakers” leading your horse.

2. You were absolutely correct when you accused me of being too busy building and tending to my “walls” to ever love you the way that you loved me.

3. I dreaded eating with you because you took such small bites and chewed for soooo long... When it took you more than thirty minutes to eat a plain, bean and cheese burrito at Taco Bell I wanted to slap it out of your hands and say, “What is the fucking matter with you?”

4. The reason I gave you those tickets to see Bad Religion was because you never failed to encourage my painting or inquire about my progress. The reason I refused to go with you with you to see them perform was because you were a dedicated alcoholic with a bad temper and those attributes had lost their charm.

5. At times I long to ”hang out” like we did when we were young… but I resist calling you because I find it difficult to imagine how we would get on today... now that you have become a complete and total mystery to me.

6. I started dating you the first time without any idea of how much weed you actually smoked… I dated you the second time around because I was bored so it no longer made a difference to me.

7. I have not forgotten that you once told me that nobody liked me while we were riding home together after school… I had no response because I didn't believe you when you said it and I “knew” that nobody like you either. (bitch)

8. When you asked me if I “partied” and I said “yes” it was because I thought you meant, like, you know… PARTY!!! The only reason I did all that blow with you in the bathroom was because I did not want you to catch on and accuse me of being lame.

9. Oh gawd, I totally thought that your sisters were annoying… “No meat in our kitchen... Ever!!!” manifesto handwritten, framed and hung on the wall… Get the hell over yourselves already… I know you skanks ate bacon.

10. I thought that you were joking when you asked me to move to Mexico with you but when I found out that you were serious I could have kicked myself for not saying yes immediately and then waiting around with you while your ramshackle truck got fixed… so we could leave.

A Week of Lists: Thursday

Reasons to Dominate:

If you don’t somebody else will… and then they will rub it in your sorry moopface… leaving you to forever question why you didn’t step the hell up when it (obviously) comes so naturally to you.

A Week of Lists: Humpday

Ten things to consider before launching a Ramen Raft:

1. Ramen.

2. How much is enough?

3. Original Flavor ramen or… Shrimp?

4. Do I have the strength of will to resist eating all of the delicious ramen as it dissolves around me?

5. Do I have a fork?

6. Cup-O-Noodles Buoy was not a failure… it was a learning experience… a learning experience.

7. Constructing my life jacket out of discarded ramen wrappers might not have been the best idea I have ever had.

8. Will the countless children starving in the world be disappointed that I wasted so much perfectly good ramen fulfilling my delectable life’s dream?

9. Will I survive the celebrity and wealth that is sure to follow in the wake of the launch?

10. Does Ramen Raft make me look fat?

A Week of Lists: Grumpy Tuesday

Things that I “have to do” now that I am grown up:

1. Too grumpy to post.

2. Too grumpy to post.

3. Too grumpy to post.

4. Too grumpy to post.

5. Too grumpy to post.

6. Avoid spontaneous napping.

7. Avoid reading during meals.

8. Wait for other people.

9. Too grumpy to post.

10. Never call in a sick day. (isn't that illegal?)

A Week of Lists: Monday

Things I liked to do before I grew up:

1. Outfit my dolls in leaves and vines in order to pretend that they lived in the “jungle” which was really the backyard bushes.

2. Draw "bows" on everything… especially a stick figure (which I would also draw) named “Betty Rose Bow”… a name I created that incorporated all things appealing to me at the time... and sounded so wonderful to me that I repeated it often.

3. Eat spaghetti and meatballs, with my cousins at my grandmother’s house. (I would still enjoy doing this today if it was possible)

4. Make my older brother laugh so hard at the breakfast table that the orange juice (or milk) he was trying to drink would, instead, spew from his nostrils. (also at my grandmother’s house... but not something I would still enjoy today... well, maybe)

5. Wear ponchos and red velvet shoes… but not necessarily at the same time... although, I definitely was not against an ensemble that included both.

6. Pretend that my older brother and I were DJs on a radio station while we were listening to actual radio stations.

7. "Design" beach houses for another character I imagined named “Sandy Shore”… who was not a stick figure… but who also wore a bow in her hair.

8. Imagine scenarios in which I was being “rescued” by a handsome boy who had fallen in “love” with me… usually someone a grade or two ahead of me in school… strangely, the appeal of this did not extend beyond my eighth grade year.

9. Wear knee socks.

10. Wear my hair really, really, really short… usually after cutting it myself... unfortunately.

A Week of Lists: Sunday

Reasons I feel bad these days:

1. Frizz-Ease does not ease my frizz as much as it leaves it looking limp and slightly ill

2. My creative talents have been dormant for so long that I am not sure I have the ability to resurrect them and realize their full potential.

3. I think it’s my fault.

4. My freedom is a thing of the past and I never really had a chance to kiss it goodbye.

5. The bathroom is always, at least partially, filthy and I want it clean but I do not actually want to clean it myself… my laziness and the grime depress me.

6. I understand my father to be a jerk but I am not entirely certain that this is true. However, I do know that he might never let me know him well enough to ever conclude otherwise.

7. Even though I finally cut my hair I still only ever wear it twisted up in crazy pineapple formation, which, I love but which does not necessarily look lovely.

8. I wish I were painting right now instead of sitting in this blue chair typing.

9. There is no amount of moisturizer that will keep my feet soft and supple.

10. The fact that I am not accomplishing anything "personally" substantial feels bleak.