File Under: Things I Wish I Had Said Instead of Heard While Watching An Episode of 24

"... protected vectors."

Some Things Are Better Left Gone

It is a great idea to let one's past remain in the past. Tearing the tape off of old boxes always ends in wasted hours... or, at least, moments that seem like hours.

Screw that.

Besides, "what once was" was and will never be as wonderful as the "once was" that is being re-lived/re-imagined while sitting on the floor surrounded by old photos, matchbooks, mix tapes, trash and whatever else was in those boxes.

That being said...

I have come to hate the term "Hipster" and hope that people stop using it soon before it drives me to tear the tape off the boxes.

Hi! It's Thursday, March 15th...

And today I'm coining the term "Ramenomics" because... I thought of it first!

So drink up suckers. Saturday is St. Paddy's Day and you can moop around all afternoon in your silly green outfit (or whatever) wondering what Ramenomics actually is but not caring as much about that as the fact that you didn't think of it first.

(insert diabolical laugh here)

(and then insert the sound of you crying like a baby)

Losing Shit

I have discovered that I am like my mother.

Great.

Please, Whoever-is-really-in-charge-of-the-Universe, please help me to accentuate the positive and shed the negative aspects of my upbringing, learn new and more effective ways of problem solving, enlist Patience and Understanding as my loyal sidekicks/companions and, also, please bestow upon me the (super)powers necessary to stay focused and calm so that I will be successful in my never-ending quest to relax.

File Under: I Would Vomit If I Didn't Appear So Unattractive As It Was Happening

Once upon a time… I was pregnant and experiencing rapid (and radical) physical and not-quite-as-rapid-but-still-remarkable psychological changes. Though, not in a "Whoa! Putin Has HUGE Balls" conspiracy theory/dioxin/polonium-210 way.

Throughout this I accepted each change with relative grace (and scads of narration)... Rarely, was I ever truly unsettled.

Except.

Except, at the point when the acute sense of smell that I had never ever had before... in my whole entire life... surfaced and then never faded.

Whereas, I used to spend my days happily traipsing around well travelled city thoroughfares (including the 30 Stockton line!) recognizing the scent of nothing in particular. Now I can detect each and every foul scent even before discovering (if ever) it's visual origin.

Prior to this could I have even accurately described rank odors? Heck no! And it was blissful.

These days, not only am I smelling things I don't care to I am even registering and recording “smell memories.” (What could be more horrible?) One, in particular, is so ungawdly... so street... so profoundly offensive that I cannot help but think,

"Fuhhhhhhhhhhck. Fuck!!! Why? Why! Why did I change that kid’s diaper? He doesn't even live here!"

I loathe you Sense of Smell.

(But please remember to save me from fire or gas leak if the situation arises.)

Best of IKEA New Product Names... Or Perfectable Yet Acceptable Monikers for Your Child

SULTAN: SLUMRA, SUSSA or SNARKA

ALVINE MEDALJONG

LUFTIG HO K50S

BLANDA BLANK

KAEDEMUMMA

KAVALKAD

EKESKOG

DOLD

ARV

Are the Ides Upon Us... Really?

It's March?

Dude.