Waiting For My Pilots Licence

Why is it so easy for my mother to dupe me?

I simply accept her explanation that she is just undergoing a "round" (what I refer to as a "cycle" weeks later... still willingly unaware) of shots.

I am a child. Still.

But it is not simple because my mom is cycling through another round of chemotherapy... another again. She will always have cancer. Even if she isn't sick. People with cancer are sick... Infinity. Although, "sick" isn't an accurate enough description.

Cancer people are enslaved by their disease even when none of it is to be found in their bodies.

But this is supposed to be about how devious and clever she is when it comes to withholding/sharing details regarding her treatment... About how clueless I am to her condition and her ability to keep vital information from me... But it isn't really.

This is about choosing to be content with my mother's vague explanations while I can... as long as my mom can last. I want to somehow prepare myself. And I'm giving it my best shot even as I'm certain that there is little to be done aside from enjoying her company while I still have access to it.

Does this seem confusing? It should. Because, for me, it is.

I am always on guard and alert... silent and somewhat protected. I am not in mourning daily for the loss of so much of her that I used to know but I am consciously and unconsciously bracing myself for future subtractions... and ultimately the loss of her.